A “Crohnie” is a person with Crohn’s Disease. However, given the similarities in the hassles, challenges, health insurance codes and the often excruciating pain associated with Ulcerative Colitis (“UC”), Irritable Bowel Syndrome (“IBS”), Colitis and the “catch-all” Inflammatory Bowel Disease (“IBD”), Crohnies view UCers, IBS, IBD and Colitis folks as much respected Brethren and thus, fellow “Crohnies.” To the Crohnie, each is like a “Brother from another Mother” and therefore the term “Crohnie” must include them.
Accordingly, as a moving homage to Redneck Comedian Jeff Foxworthy:
“You know you are a ‘Crohnie’ when….”
You know You Are a Crohnie when you believe, as per Doctor’s Orders, that Vodka is a permitted “Clear Liquid.”
You know You Are a Crohnie when your Twenty-Something Nephews think they can Fart at your House with impunity.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you rationalize taking the drug Prednisone as a license to eat anything, at any time.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you rationalize taking the drug Prednisone as a license to act like a lunatic.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you always have a Roll of Toilet Paper in Ur Car.
You know You Are a Crohnie when Turnpike “Rest Areas” are really fodder for Great “Public Bathroom Disaster” Stories.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you are now confident enough that you can brag about funny Public Restroom stories & the number of toilets you’ve stuffed.
You know you are a Crohnie if you’ve given up explaining to friends why you can eat at a McDonalds, White Castle or In-N-Out Burger with no problem but still can’t eat popcorn or a healthy salad without having a Crohn’s flare-up.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you are watching TV with your Mom and both of you have your own respective Air Freshener Spray Cans.
You know You Are a Crohnie when said Air Freshener Spray Cans are BOTH aimed at YOU, ready to spray, “with the safety off.”
You know You Are a Crohnie when you set the dinner table with a knife & fork but all you’re “eating” is “Ensure.”
You know You Are a Crohnie when all you own is Black underwear.
You know You Are a Crohnie when the glove compartment AND the trunk of your car both contain Imodium.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you are less embarrassed buying Enemas than Condoms.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you know “Milk of Magnesia” doesn’t taste like “Milk” at all.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you’ve become an expert of the potency of the different brands and scents of Air Fresheners.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you look forward to hospitalizations because there you can fart with impunity.
You know You Are a Crohnie when people get you Gift Certificates to your favorite Pharmacy during the Holiday Season.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you must own an industrial strength “Snake” because no Plunger can free your Home Toilet of the occasional large “log.”
You know You Are a Crohnie when you even designate a “Home” Toilet.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you bring your own pillow to the Hospital.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you experience euphoria at a rock concert or public sporting event after passing silent but potent gas, estimating its invisible airborne travel time and then seeing it affect the olfactory senses of Sections of People, one Patron at a time.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you can discern between different Air Freshener Spray Scents to obtain the most powerful one.
You know You Are a Crohnie when your abdomen sometimes feels like you’ve been trapped underneath an earthquake-ravaged building and all of the weight is on your torso.
You know You Are a Crohnie when no matter how many times you tell people that you are not feeling well or that you are going through a Crohn’s flare-up they always respond: “But you look great!”
You know You Are a Crohnie when you reserve your airplane seat around the location of the plane’s bathroom.
You know You Are a Crohnie when the Transportation Security Administration (“TSA”) starts looking through your Carry-On Bags but gives up and waives you through the Gate after they see Dulcolax, Metamucil, Glycerin suppositories and three (3) changes of black underwear.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you run into an old friend while purchasing Stool Softeners or Laxatives and you attribute the purchase to your kind, harmless Mom because, after all, “she is getting on in her years and ….”
You know You Are a Crohnie when you tell someone you have “Crohn’s Disease” and they ask if it is contagious.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you tell someone you have “Crohn’s Disease” and they ask: “Is that “the Bathroom Disease?”
You know You Are a Crohnie when you actually understand your Health Insurance Policy.
You know You Are a Crohnie when your mail is mostly comprised of Medical Bills, Explanation of Benefits (“EOBs”) from your Health Insurer and Dunning Notices regarding said Medical Bills.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you hand out Holiday Gifts to the Office Staffs of your various Doctors for all the special treatment they bestow upon you year-after-year.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you prefer certain flavors of Barium over others.
You know You Are a Crohnie when during a Crohn’s flare-up your Joints, Fingers and Toes feel like Voodoo Dolls randomly pricked by painful needles controlled by your arch rival from high school.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you sometimes get gas so powerful it feels like your butt is being lifted off the toilet bowl when you release it.
You know You Are a Crohnie when you know to shave both arms before being admitted to the hospital for the inevitable intravenous lines.
You know you are a Crohnie when you’ve learned to “embrace the suck” of these very challenging chronic illnesses & can laugh about it all.
You know you are a Crohnie when you finally understand that sometimes the Medical Treatment is temporarily worse than the Disease.
You know you are a Crohnie when you truly appreciate the interest, care and concern of friends and loved ones.
You know you are a Crohnie when you understand the vital importance of the support of friends and family.
You know you are a Crohnie when you realize that only your body is affected by the Disease and not your mind or your ability to laugh.
Finally, You know you are a Crohnie or that You love a Crohnie if you’ve read this far and for that, I am grateful. Thank you.
by
Michael A. Weiss
Copyright © 2011 All Rights Reserved
